Jokes

[jones2004]

Please could members post more jokes!!

[Tony McC]

Travis Bloody Perkins prices - what a joke!!! :p

[flowjoe]

Trouble is finding non-sexist pc jokes, heres a tame one if anyone else pushes the envelope i might have a couple more !

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.

"Well what is it, Mary?"

"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

[Judi]

A woman goes to view a nursing home one evening as her father can no longer look after himself and needs full time care.

As the elderly gentlemen are getting ready for bed, they all get a hot drink and a tablet.

The woman asks what these are. The nurse replies:
"a cocoa and a viagra."

"why?" asks the shocked woman.

The nurse replies, "Well, the cocoa helps them to sleep and the viagra stops them falling out of bed."

[flowjoe]

The tone has been set

Nun taking a bath when the doorbell rings.
Who is it she shouts down.....Its only the blindman comes the reply. Hang on she says and jumps out of the bath to answer the door naked. When she opens it, in walks this guy and says 'nice tits...now where do you want the blinds'.

[Tony McC]

George W Bush is in his office when in comes the mendacious Donald Rumsfeld.

"I've some bad news, Mr President", slithers Rumsfeld. "Three Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Eye Rack this morning".

"That's awful", replies God's confidante, "truly terrible, shocking."

There's a pause and then His Presidency pipes up, "Say Rummy: remind me. Exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

[danensis]

Kate Moss meets Jeremy Clarkson at a party:
"Hello I'm Kate, I'm a top fashion model, who are you?"
"I'm Jeremy Clarkson, I do Top Gear"
"Great I'll have four grams"

[Nigel Walker]

Tony

Whos been reading Zoo magazine !!!!!

Shame on you pinching jokes from a magazine

Or did they pinch the joke from you ?



Nigel

[Tony McC]

Zoo? I read it in The Grauniad, although I translated it in my own style! Shurely the Grauniad can't be nicking material from such an estimable publication as Zoo, can it?

[Mick]

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

[Ambrose]

An oldie....

After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some
cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former
youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low
and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had
taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being
the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it
looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three
roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the
nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've
received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the
surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a
model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your
husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he
can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?". "That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his
new ears!"

[Tony McC]

Mrs Taz nearly slipped another disc after I read that one to her!

[danensis]

I took the family to the zoo, but all we could see was one dog in a cage




































It was a shitzu

[danensis]

I've just found some really good jokes on line:
www.thefurrymonkey.co.uk
Go to jokes

[flowjoe]

Sean Connery was interviewd by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser , she stole ma wallet !".

Suppose that`ll be me off the christmas card list then Tony !