Jokes

[Tony McC]

Fine by me, Joe, but you might not be getting a card from John at Aintree Paving! :p

[Tony McC]

I reckon you're entitled to refer to Joe as a "Woollyback" for that one, John! :p

What do you call a Manc in a suit?

spoiler..
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The accused!

[Tony McC]

No PMs, John. When did you send it?

If it's urgent, give me a call between 10am-3pm or after 6pm tomorrow. I'm at a meeting from 3-6pm so won't be answering the phone.

[flowjoe]

Looks like you were wrong tony, i did get a card from john, i think it was a red one.

[Esio Trot]

An old one, but worth re-telling:

Wife standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror says to hubby, "Look at me, I'm getting old. Me bums dropped; me boobs are sagging; I'm getting deep crows lines around my eyes, and I'm sure my lip hairs are getting darker. Say something positive about me?"

Hubby replies, "Nothing at all wrong with your eyesight, is there?"

[Judi]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions says:


"Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees."

[Ambrose]

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they

have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, > puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger. CLICK,, empty chamber.

He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual...CLICK...empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very

impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts

the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.

The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks,

"What kind of test of courage is this?"

"One of them is a cannibal"

[flowjoe]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[flowjoe]

Farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and say`s "this is the pig i have to shag when your not in the mood".

His wife lay in bed looks up from her book and say`s "i think you`ll find that its not a pig" to which he replies "i think you`ll find i was talking to the sheep"

[Suggers]

Stop me if you've heard it -
Old geezer mixed up his sleeping & viagra pills .......
Had to go upstairs for forty w*nks..................!!!!!!

[bob the builder]

I have a lad that works for me we call him the WHEELBARROW
Because he only works when pushed.