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Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:27 am
by techauthorbob
A young lady took her boyfriend home to have a meal with her parents one snowy winter day.
They had a good meal an then sat and talked, as you do, for a while.
After they left the wife went up to the bedroom to close the curtains and said to her husban "Hey fred, that boyfriend of our daughters has pi***ed on the snow and written Merry Xmas".
"So what" said her husband, all guys do that sort of thing at times"
"Yes", said the wife, "But its our daughters handwriting".
Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:40 am
by seanandruby
A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare
dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a
Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on
Glasgow's east side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the
way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning
madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to
say, 'F*ck naw, they're nae twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the f*ck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind
nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you've
been shagged twice.
Have a good day,
and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:24 am
by lutonlagerlout
with a celtic top on sean she would have any man dropping to his knees in raptures :;):
heres another
One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little twats!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a united shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now p!ss off!"
lol
LLL
Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 3:25 pm
by Tommy
The 13 year old father Alfie Patten has joined Fathers 4 Justice, When asked why, he replied 'Made sense since I already have a spiderman costume'
Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 6:03 pm
by seanandruby
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:50 am
by oioisonnyboy
A vicar books into a hotel. He signs the register, and before he goes up to his room he asks the girl on reception
"Are the porn channels in my room disabled?"
to which the girl replies
"No, they're just the normal ones, you dirty old sod"
Posted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 9:31 pm
by Tommy
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a s***."
----
Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...