Jokes that only work in scotland

[bobbi o]

Prince Charming tries the slipper on a Glasgow girl
"It's the wrong fit," he says
"Well, gonnae try the other wan!"

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland burn.
Gamekeeper shouts,"dinnae drink thon waater,its fu' o' coos keech".
Man replies "my good fellow I'm English,repeat in English please".
Gamekeeper replies,"use both hands-you'll get more that way".

Simon Weston won the pools but never got his money as he'd burnt his coupon.

Rangers fan's son brings a friend home from Uni. Introduces him to his dad with the words, "Dad, there's something I have to tell you. I'm gay and this is my boyfriend John."
Dad says, "Hello John, what school did you go to?"

Woman goes to the doctor and says, "My tits are so hairy, my husband says they look like coconuts".
Doctor says, "Well? They're Bounty".

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.


A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

[Stuarty]

all good, liked the Bostik one the most i think though heh

[matt h]

THE OLD ONES ARE ALWAYS THE BEST:D

[lutonlagerlout]

i got them all apart from the bostik one
can someone enlighten me?
cheers LLL

[eazybarra man]

what about the scotsman who walked into the bakers and asks the counter assistant
" is that a donut or a merangue?"
"Naw yir right enough its a donut" replied the assistant.

On the subject of aberdeen and sheep.
What do you call a sheep tied to a lampost in aberdeen?
"A leisure centre"

[Pablo]

Yer nuts or nads in Scottish are pronounced Baws so Bostick is the same as bawstick. Get it now. Any more in the dark southerners out there. Read Acid house by Irvine Welch it'll melt yer brain it's all written in broad scots.

[surreyhillslandscapes.com]

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sing's but Walt Disneh...

I also heard that copper wire was invented by two scottish fella's fighting over a penny....

[J.D]

A scotish woman lays dying, she looks up and asks her husband if he would do just one small favor for her. " on the day of my funeral i would like you to ride in the same car as my mother." To which he replies " all right my love i will do that just to please you, but you have completly ruined the day for me !!"

[lutonlagerlout]

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School , Glasgow

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can
have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge so I am. This is gonny be a doddle!

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? '



Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntlerioy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar? '
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said.'we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
surrender?'

Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss' Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe,
sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me
Miss, me miss, meeeeee '

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front' Yes Rupert.'

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): 'Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming 'WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'

Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See ye on Tuesday Miss.'

cheers LLL

thanks for the codebreaker pablo i get the bostik one now.
my mum is scottish so i had an idea, just that one wasnt that funny compared to the others

[Pablo]

I've just peed myself with laughter thats the best I've heard in a long time. Cheers off to work to tell the lads now with a happy smile.

[Ian B]

A woman brings 9 year old Johnny home and tells his mother, he was caught playing doctors and patients with Jane, her 9 year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, " Let's not be too harsh on them ..... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

" Curious about sex ?" replies Jane's mother. " He's taken her f#%@ing appendix out !"

[Ian-Mitch]

Funny

Dad comes home to find his son Jack sitting home on the bottom step, crying. On further investigation, turns out that Jack was upset having seen a fly dying on his window-ledge upstairs.

So Dad takes him upstairs, finds the dead fly, and simply explains the routine "Son, when a fly dies it lays on its back, and the Good Lord lifts it up by his legs and carrys him up to heaven".

This cheered young Jack up no end.

The following week, dad comes home from work and once again finds young Jack weeping inconsolably on the bottom stair. "Its Mum" said Jack. "She nearly died this morning"

"Jesus!" said Dad "what the hell happened"?

"Well" said Jack "after you left for work, I walked in to mummy's bedroom. She was there - lying on her back, waving her legs in the air shouting 'God, God I'm coming!' at the top of her voice. Dad, if it wasn't for the postman on top of her she'd have gone up for sure".

LOL

[James.Q]

After returning to the building site from purchasing supplies at the local hardware shop the foreman addressed his workman and delegated the days duties.

" Tom, take Jim and Chris down and finish digging out the drainage ditch, Bill keep running the electricity leads and Wong, you're in charge of the supplies"

The men went about their designated duties and it wasn't until some hours later that the foreman realized that the supplies were still in the back of the truck. Not seeing Wong anywhere around the foreman went in search of his wayward worker.

Just as the foreman had given up hope, Wong jumped out from behind a drum and yelled, "SUPPLIES!!"

[seanandruby]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she
had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly
and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as
he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a
scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her
Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss
Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had allsorts!

[lutonlagerlout]

LMFAO

very good

LLL