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Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 12:41 am
by Ambrose
1. Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Little Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?"
"Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed. Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK?
First one. You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."
>Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Enjoy your day, you dirty minded people.
Posted: Wed Jun 01, 2005 6:07 pm
by Judi
Lols.
Three old women were sitting on a bench in the park when a flasher came up to them.
Two immediately had a stroke and the third couldn't reach..........
Posted: Wed Jun 01, 2005 9:58 pm
by Ambrose
lol 
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while ! later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2005 10:46 pm
by Tony McC
It's 10 o'clock at night. Husband and wife are getting ready for bed and the phone rings.
The hubby picks up the reciever, lifts it to his ear and before he says anything a husky voice at the other end asks "Is the coast clear?"
He replies, "How would I know? I'm in Derbyshire!"
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 10:58 am
by Judi
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to see his new flat. After the grand tour his visitors were rather puzzled by the large gong taking pride of place in the living room.
"What's the large brass gong for?" one asked.
"Oh, that's my speaking clock," the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you," he replied, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For Christ's sake, its twenty to two in the morning you bloody idiot!"
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 11:08 am
by Ambrose
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 11:07 pm
by alan ditchfield
George Bush was out jogging in the park when he slipped and fell over the bridge railing into the river below. Before the secret service could get to him three kids that were fishing dragged him out and saved his life. When George came to he offered the kids anything they wanted in return for saving his life.
The first kid wanted to go to disney land, no problem i will fly you there in air force one he said.
The second wanted a pair of nike air Jordans, no problem i will get Michael to sign and deliver them.
The third asked for an electric wheelchair with a built in tv and dvd player, George looked confused and said but you are not disabled, the boy looked and said no but i will be when my dad finds out i saved your sad ass today.
Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 10:57 am
by Don2138
Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows out of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 11:23 pm
by Ambrose
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that." "Why not?
You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied
Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2005 1:00 pm
by danensis
A boy egg and a girl egg are boiling in the pan. The girl egg says "I've got a crack". The boy egg says "That's no use I'm not hard yet"