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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:25 am
by seanandruby
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'
Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:03 am
by Bob_A
I like that one 
Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:13 pm
by lutonlagerlout
:laugh: :laugh:
LLL
Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 6:34 pm
by ambient
Subject: HOW TO GET THE POLICE TO RESPOND WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST, ANYMORE.
Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people
Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2011 1:54 am
by lutonlagerlout
so true
LLL
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 6:29 am
by 47p2
If this bloke is not in advertising then he should be!
An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:
This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327
Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2011 8:22 pm
by seanandruby
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get out a here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.
OK, Dad...as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
Oh! Mercy be!
Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'