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Posted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:44 pm
by lutonlagerlout
me and the missus have felt very down lately
suicidal in a way,winter nights, bills and that,
so we entered into a suicide pact....................
strangely enough, once she had killed herself i felt loads better and went down the pub :;):
LLL
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 8:19 am
by Dave_L
I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 8:20 am
by Dave_L
I got a phone call last night to say that my wife had been in an accident.
I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse, "How is she, can I see her?"
She said, "I'm afraid you're too late",
I said, "Ok no worries, I'll come back in the morning".
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:06 pm
by lutonlagerlout
LMFAOROFLCAKE
excellent stuff,keep 'em coming
LLL 
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:19 pm
by Dave_L
Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren't too pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:19 pm
by Dave_L
I came home from work to find our son had smashed our TV with the Wii remote.
"Did he have the strap on?" I asked my wife.
"No, I thought I'd let you punish him," she said. :p
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:28 pm
by Dave_L
This bloke came up to me and said, "Your wife's got lovely big tits. Would you mind if I had a feel?"
"Sure mate, go for it. She won't mind."
Afterwards, the undertaker thanked me for being a great sport and we closed the coffin lid.
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:33 pm
by Dave_L
My mate asked me if I thought his wife was attractive.
"You know what I'd like to do to your wife?" I said. "I'd like to sneak up behind her when she's leaving work, gag her, strip her naked and give her a bit of surprise anal sex. But please don't tell her I said that."
"flipping hell mate, of course I'm not telling her that."
"Cheers," I said. "It would ruin the surprise."
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:10 pm
by 47p2
A guy thing....
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big penis or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:10 pm
by Dave_L
Talking to my mate today and I said, "I'm thinking of divorcing my wife as she has not spoken to me for 6 months."
He replied, "You had better think it over, women like that are hard to find."
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 11:46 pm
by 47p2
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted..
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk,
I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH US OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!
Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 8:06 am
by michaelthegardener
Junkies in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to squirt liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported immediately
Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:15 am
by lutonlagerlout
LMAO
LLL
keep them coming
Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:47 am
by mickg
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead
