Southern softys

[mickg]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[mickg]

A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed his sex life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife orgasm.

One day the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but that evening he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but when he came to the bedroom there was again no action from the wife.

He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn't worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first the man didn't like the sound of it but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male escort agency and arranged for their top man to come round that evening. All was going to plan but when they came down to business there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now as you can imagine this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctors. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn't worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the escort. The man was at his wit's end so gave it one last try.

That evening the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished the escort arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the escort got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the escort's ear, "You see mate, that's how you wave a flipping towel!"

[mickg]

A miserable looking man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple whiskey.

The Bartender raises an eyebrow and says, "That's some pretty strong poison you're ordering, you must be miserable."

The man says, "Well, I just found my wife in bed with my best friend, so yeah I'm feeling pretty bad."

The Bartender is shocked by the man's story so he gives him the drink on the house and asks him to tell the story.

"I came home and walked into our bedroom, then I saw them together. I told her that we were through and to pack her things."

"And what did you do with your friend?" the Bartender inquired.

"I looked him right in the eye and I said, 'Bad dog!'

[47p2]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson have solved another case. Afterwards, they celebrate with a few brandies at their Baker St. residence. Holmes, feeling the brandy, reaches over and puts his hand on Watson's knee.

"Watson, for some time I've wanted to tell you that I quite fancy you."

With a sense of relief Dr. Watson replies, "And I you, my good Holmes. I've simply never felt comfortable expressing my feelings without knowing where you stood on the matter."

"Right", says Holmes, "Let us retire to the bedroom then."

Watson rushes to the bedroom and strips to his shorts. Holmes pulls down Watson's underwear, bends him over the desk then tells him to hold that pose. Complying, Watson watches as Holmes leaves the bedroom and returns with a lemon meringue pie. He smears the pie across Watson's ass and proceeds to bugger him. Later they're lying in bed making small talk. Watson says, "That was fantastic Holmes, but I have to ask; what was all that with the pie?"

"Lemon-entry my dear Watson, lemon-entry."

[Dave_L]

Guy rings his boss: "I won't be at work today, I've got anal blindness." Boss says "What the flip's that?" He says "I can't see my arse getting out of bed today."

[ambient]

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener, when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya... I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"