Jokes - !!!

[haggistini]

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Jones. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy bum, so he decided to set a test for Jones, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.



The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Jones says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Jones says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.



Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Jones stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Jones says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."



The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Jones stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100."



The boss looks at Jones' attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Jones, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."



Jones leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"
:laugh:

[haggistini]

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down batons would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.



The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"



The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"



The second blonde got really upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" :laugh:

[haggistini]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, its just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvelous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the landlord. "The circus?" the duck enquires. That's right" replies the landlord. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle and all the cages?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the f**k do they want with a plasterer?" :laugh:

[seanandruby]

:laugh: :laugh: Give up on the sites and do the clubs

[surreyhillslandscapes.com]

Whats the difference between B.S.E and P.M.T ?
One attacks the cow's brain sending it mental and the other is a serious agricultural problem..

[DeckmanAdam]

LOL @ them ^^

Heres mine-

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an atheist and a dyslexic?
























Someone whos been up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Dave_L]

I've got some but I'm not sure they are repeatable here!

[James.Q]

i went to the doctor i said every time i move my arm it hurts he said then dont do it boom boom

[Ian-Mitch]

These are not Tommy Cooper's - but in his style ... enjoy Ian

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"? I said, "No, permanent."

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. :p

[surreyhillslandscapes.com]

My girlfriend left me the other day due to my gambling problem,
I'm pretty sure I can win her back though...

[Dave_L]

Taffy, Jock and Paddy chatting...Taffy says "My wife has bought a car and doesn't even drive!" Jock says "My wife has gone on a diet and she isn't fat!" Paddy says "That's nothing - my wife has taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't got a cock!"

:0 :0

[Dave_L]

Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test. Optician shows him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. Can you read that? The Pole says "Read it? I know the c**t!!"

[lutonlagerlout]

a horse walks in to a bar

barman says

"why the long face?

:laugh:

LLL

[surreyhillslandscapes.com]

I went to Jewsons the other day and asked for a bag of nails, The bloke behind the counter said "How long do you want them?"
I said "I want to keep them"

[James.Q]

a white horse walks into a bar the barman says weve got a whikey named after you .horse says what dave? :p